The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
