So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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