I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
