Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
