I think my fart just growled at me.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
