The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
