Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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