can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
