i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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