Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
