why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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