Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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