Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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