I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
