Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
