i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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