If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
