Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
