Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
