Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
