sarcasm needs its own font
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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