That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
