My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
