I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
