wanna go halves on a baby?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
