Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
