literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize