I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
