we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
