Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
