I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
