He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
