you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
