She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
