someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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