I accidentally had phone sex last night
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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