The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
