listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
