Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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