she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
