I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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