were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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