I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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