Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
