I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
