who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
MIDGETS
????
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
