I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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