hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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