I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
