and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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