I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
